The holidays are supposed to feel bright, but when someone you love is missing from the table, the season can feel heavy instead. If you are navigating grief and the holidays this year, you are far from alone, and there is no single right way to get through it.
Why grief can feel louder at the holidays
Holidays are built on tradition, memory and togetherness, which means they are full of reminders. A familiar recipe, a song on the radio, an empty chair or a gift you no longer need to buy can all bring grief rushing back, sometimes months or years after a loss. Short, dark November days and the pressure to appear cheerful can make it feel even sharper.
Grief is also not limited to the death of a person. People grieve after a divorce or estrangement, a move away from family, a lost pregnancy, the death of a pet, or the loss of a life they once expected to have. All of these are valid reasons for the season to feel complicated.
What grief can look like
Grief rarely looks the way people expect. Researchers and clinicians describe it as a normal, highly individual response to loss rather than a set of tidy stages. During the holidays, people commonly notice:
- Waves of sadness, tearfulness or irritability that seem to arrive without warning
- Trouble sleeping, low energy or difficulty concentrating
- Wanting to withdraw from gatherings, or feeling guilty for enjoying a moment of joy
- Feeling numb, or surprised by how little or how much they feel
None of these mean you are doing grief wrong. Sadness and moments of laughter can exist side by side, and both are part of being human.
Gentle ways to approach the season
There is no way to skip the hard parts, but small choices can make the season more manageable. Consider the ideas below and keep only what fits.
- Make a plan, and a back-up plan. Decide in advance how long you will stay at a gathering and how you will leave if it becomes too much. Knowing you have an exit can make it easier to show up.
- Edit your traditions. You are allowed to keep, change or retire any ritual. Some people keep every tradition as a way of honouring someone, while others start something new because the old way hurts too much.
- Make room for remembering. Light a candle, share a favourite story, cook a loved one’s dish or set aside a few quiet minutes to write them a note. Naming your person out loud can ease the pressure of pretending nothing has changed.
- Say what you need. Friends and family often do not know what to say. A simple request such as “I would love to hear stories about her” or “I need a quiet evening this year” helps people support you well.
- Protect the basics. Regular meals, movement, daylight and sleep will not erase grief, but they do help your body cope with the emotional load.
- Be careful with alcohol. It can feel like relief in the moment, but it tends to worsen mood and sleep over time.
Supporting someone else who is grieving
If you are the friend or relative of someone who is grieving, you do not need perfect words. Simply acknowledging the loss is often more helpful than avoiding the subject. Say the person’s name, offer a specific kind of help such as a meal or a walk, and be patient if plans change at the last minute. Resist the urge to hurry them toward feeling better, since grief does not follow a timeline.
When to consider extra support
Grief is not an illness, and most people do not need treatment to move through it. Still, support can make a real difference. It may be worth reaching out to a professional if your grief feels overwhelming or constant, if you are struggling to function at home or work for an extended period, if you feel stuck, or if you are leaning heavily on alcohol or other substances to cope. If you ever have thoughts of harming yourself, please contact your doctor, go to your nearest emergency department or call or text 9-8-8, Canada’s Suicide Crisis Helpline, any time.
Psychotherapy offers a steady, private space to talk about your loss without having to manage anyone else’s feelings. A therapist can help you make sense of what you are experiencing, develop coping tools for hard days, and find ways to carry your relationship with the person you lost into the future. You can learn more about psychotherapy at Kurated, or meet the clinicians on our team page.
You do not have to do this alone
Grief and the holidays can be a difficult mix, but you can move through the season at your own pace and in your own way. If you would like support, our Kingston team is here to help. Contact us to book an appointment or ask a question about which provider might be the right fit.
This article is for general education and is not a substitute for personalized medical or mental health advice.